Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Stabbed In The Back Seam.

So remember my new French friend?  And how I was so excited to meet her?  And my big plans to corrupt her?  And how she was going to help me fit my clothes better and stuff?

Yeah.  Know what?  She is not my friend.  Oh, no.  She is not.

Because, really.  She insisted on messing up my intentions to corrupt her into gaining a size or four.  She had an annoying tendency to collapse in a faint at the slightest bump or knock.  She absolutely refused to be my height and seemed to enjoy towering over me.  And she would persist with Gallic perversity in having an upper chest measurement that was 3" wider than my own.  Three inches, people.  And she's a size 4.

(insert much cursing and maligning of the French here)

Most of it I was willing to overlook or accept.  All I asked was that she meet me halfway, that she compromise just a little.  But I just could not convince her to have a smaller upper chest.  I begged.  I pleaded.  She would not listen.  So after many days fraught with tears of anger and a deep sense of betrayal, I finally succumbed to the inevitable. I dumped her. 

Au revoir, bi-atch.

Distraught and dismayed, I searched for solace. And impulsively reattached my affections on my new best friend.  

She was on sale.

Prym-Dritz SP Small dress form

At first I was a little nervous about her.  Would she be sturdy enough to not fall over every time I walked past her?  How would she take to corruption?  Was she short?  And most importantly, what size was her upper chest?

Because that's the question you always want to know about your new best friend.  Right?

Well, I can tell you: she's perfect.  She is sturdy enough to hold her own in a fight to the death with things like denim and linen.  She corrupts really well with a little padding.  With a simple adjustment, her shoulders are at the same height as my shoulders.  And best of all, her upper chest is a nice dainty 33".  She's my soul mate.

Because check it out!  I totally padded her out under my custom-fit sloper and voilà!  She's just. like. me.

frontside

Unfortunately. 

It's like a sweet potato with a neck.

There is a possible chance that I may just hate my new best friend a tiny little bit.  We may have to be frenemies.

11 comments:

  1. I was a little scared upon reading the caption, thinking "What did I do to Kris?" It took me a while to figure out that it WASN'T me. Whew. Oh, BTW. You are hilarious.

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  2. Your post is giving me that nagging feeling that I need to do some "corrupting" work on my dressmakers dummy. They are hard for me to buy. Even the adjustable ones don't adjust quite enough. To get one with a small enough chest measure, I had to buy a small. But then of course the hips are inadequate. So I think padding out a sloper would be the right thing to do, but it would be tricky and take time and I am lazy.

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    1. it was a total PITA. Completely. I gave up in despair and annoyance several times.

      And really I need to take it all apart again and use a hybrid of the method Kenneth King describes in the latest issue of Threads. Because it tends to sag after time, the sloper isn't enough tension to keep all that padding in place (because I have the same issue, I need a small on top for the upper chest measurement, but a lot larger size on bottom for the hip).

      My idea is: make a base layer for the dress form and then spray glue the batting to that. I'd been sort of messing around with that idea before the Threads article came out, so I was glad to see it's possible. I wouldn't make mine removeable, there's no point. Either it's my size or it isn't, in which case I'd have to start over anyway.

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  3. I'm with Karin, how to have a custom-fit form without working on it? Hmmm... Still, I admire yours. I may have to look into German models. Since we tend to carry our potatoes on the hips, maybe there's a sufficiently hippy form out there.

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  4. Remember when we did the duct tape thing? I can't remember what the problem was with that, other than the wetting your pants from laughing so hard whilst doing it. It had the wonderful side effect of body hair removal too!

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  5. i read this before going to sleep and i think i giggled all night long.

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  6. Sweet potato with a neck...bahahahahahaha!

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  7. You are far more courageous than me. I need a best friend like this if I'm ever going to make that me-sewn wardrobe I keep buying fabric for. I am stalling, out of terror of what the customized final shape would reveal, and cling to my poorly dressed state of true-shape-denial.

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  8. My mom has a similar French friend kicking around her house (a fairly sturdy one, too), that I was all set to kidnap and corrupt until I realized the upper chest measurement was bigger than mine.

    And my upper chest measurement is the same as my bust measurement, so that's a bit disappointing.

    I may still steal her at some point, though... "Free" is a big motivator.

    Incidentally, I have a similar loathing of my duct-tape-double. I like my body just fine when I look in the mirror... but something about having it replicated just stinks. And don't even get me started on the personal croquis...

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  9. So your new sweet potato pal is not immune to the effects of gravity.... who amongst us is?!

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  10. My work here is done. My own children are almost all grown up and fully corrupted by viewing AI at tender ages and singing Talking Heads songs at the top of their lungs on the ride home from preschool. Brings a tear to my eye that I could corrupt a stranger's children.

    Happy Mother's Day!

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