Clearly they have some sort of personal vendetta out against me. Is it because I questioned their sobriety? Because based on the truly disastrous results I had this weekend making up one of their skirts, I can only assume that their crack-addled brains have become hell bent on making my life miserable. The fact that I chose a skirt from the April 2007 issue, printed three full years before I ever outted the crack-smokin' fashion ladies at Burda, will not sway me from my firm belief in their vindictiveness. No. It will not.
So I spent all weekend (and by "all weekend" I mean practically every waking moment from Saturday at 8 am to Sunday at 8 pm... yes, all weekend) trying to deal with skirt #136 from the 04/2007 issue of BWOF.
I was motivated to start my new and improved wardrobe (partly from the fact that my jeans are rapidly coming to resemble rags). I very carefully and dutifully took my measurements again, because despite the fact that my little weight slider thing hasn't slid at all (long story), my measurements are definitely smaller than the were two months ago. So armed with brand-spankin' new measurements, I diligently looked up my size on the BWOF sizing chart and discovered.... that I wear exactly the same size that I wore before. Uh… huh?
This should have tipped me off right there that I was in big trouble. But do I listen to my inner voices? Sure, when they tell me that famous TV stars really do love me (he does, Angie, he does!). But when they're screaming "Cut a size smaller! Cut a size smaller, for the love of all that's holy!!"? Nope. Not me. When they also hollered "For Pete's sake you stupid woman, make a MUSLIN!!" I turned a deaf ear. I'm perverse like that.
I could regale you with all the gory details, but to be honest I just don't think I have the stomach for it. Let's just say that by cutting the size that was a teensy tiny bit smaller than my measurements called for I ended up with, well, a potato sack. And of course because I decided I was making a "wearable muslin" (bah hahahhahaha!), I had already finished and topstitiched all the interior seaming and could only adjust at the side seam.
Things I've learned:
1)You can't really take in a panel skirt four inches at the side seam and expect good results.
2)Fat people should not wear big skirts. This does not do good things to their thighs. Unless “cube” is the style they’re going for.
Now, in the interest of fairness to the drug-addled Burda ladies, I will say that there may have been several extenuating circumstances in this fiasco.
1) When I attached the waistband without any alterations, it mysteriously lined up perfectly with the side seams…. despite the fact that I took off at least two inches from the waist. This makes me wonder if I somehow traced out the wrong size. Either that or if I'd tried to make the skirt without adjustments, I would have been really pissed off that the waistband was too small.
2) The pattern calls for a mid-weight drapey fabric (like linen) and I used denim. This was in retrospect probably not a good idea, as the skirt didn't maybe hang the way it was supposed to. It was still humongous. But it might not have been so atrocious if it was drapier. Maybe.
3) I clearly have some trouble with my brain when I sew. Which is leading me to wonder if other people with what I can only term "learning disabilities" also sew and how do they cope? Because the fact that it took me all weekend to make that flippin' disaster of a skirt (which isn't even finished yet because it still needs the waistband sewn down and a buttonhole), makes me think that I maybe have the wrong hobby.
Which leads me to a general question: Do you have dyslexia and sew? Or do you know anybody who has dyslexia and sews? Do they have trouble? Or is it just that I'm stupid?
Wait. Maybe I don't want you to answer that.