Because We Know How Good We Are And That Everyone Else Is Rubbish.

Angie A sent me this link this week.

Best.  Fashion.  Video.

EVER.

En Vogue. Not.

So the big kerfuffle lately is, of course, the super-hush-hush digital Vogue Archive.  Which is, essentially, a digital copy of every single solitary issue of Vogue ever printed.  From cover to cover.  And you can subscribe to it.

Oooooo.  Ahhhhhh.  Ooooooooh.

 

Um.  For $1,575.  A year.

 

Yeeeaaaah…. I’ll just get right on that….

 

On the other hand, there is free access to the Vogue Encyclopedia (rather irritatingly called the “Voguelepedia” or something stupid like that).  At least you can look up some basic fashion facts if you’d like.  Sort of.

 

“But wait!” you shout.  “There must be something for me!  Yes, me!  What about me?!”

Fine.  I give you this: the Valentino Virtual Museum. 

You heard me.

You have to download the app to your computer.  Then you can just wander around in here, looking at dresses, watching videos… click on a dress and you get this:

Sketches.  Photos.  History.  Zoom in.  Wow.

I love this thing.  I love that it’s free.  I love the attitude…. I mean, come on.  Their graphics quality setting button is labeled “good”, “beautiful” and “fantastic”.  That’s a little bit awesome.

You’ve probably already seen this or heard about it.  But if not, you should check it out.  I definitely wish all the couture houses would do this.  Right?

 

There.  I’ve done my Good Fashion Deed for the week.

You’re welcome.  Again.

World. World, World, World….

World, you fail me.

Not only did you not make me a Tintin purse, but you have also failed to make me these shoes.  In a Tintin version, of course.

I’m disappointed, world.  Deeply disappointed.

 

 

Note to self: find a pair of cheap red leather wedges.  Post haste.

Note to other people: Awesome ideas for making comic book purses.  Especially the leather-and-tshirt-print idea.  Thanks!!

An Open Letter To The World

Dear World,

I need a purse made out of comic books.

Preferably Tintin comic books.

Go forth, world.  Make it happen.

 

 

 

 

Why are you still here, world?  Shouldn’t you be making my Tintin purse happen?

Go FORTH, I say!!

Polyvore. It’s Still Fashion-and-collage P0rn.

Last year my parents had a dinner party with a bunch of old friends. Somewhere along the line the conversation turned to shopping for purses at which point one gentleman (who shall remain nameless to protect the goofy) stated, “Well, you know: you just can’t buy a purse for under $1800.”

Apparently the look on my father’s face was spectacular. My mother had to reassure him several times in the next few days that yes, she could in fact buy a purse for less than $1800.  She’s never spent more than $400 on a purse in her life.

I’ve never spent more than $40 on a purse in my life.  I’m not much of a purse person.  I kinda knew that already, but I really figured it out this week because of Angie A. 

Yes, Angie A.  That villainous purveyor of tempting time-sucks wickedly reminded me that I just don’t do enough Polyvoring anymore. 

Oh no, don’t let the sweet dresses and kind-hearted posts fool you.   She is pure evil.

I will say that Polyvoring can be pretty instructive.  I always knew I had a hard time finding a purse I liked at the stores, but I figured I was just not trying that hard (because there’s nothing I hate more than shopping… except perhaps rugby. And cricket.  And basically all sports.)  

But no, not so!  It’s NOT because I’m a lazy shopper.  Because at Polyvore there are literally thousands of purses to peruse.  And I pretty much don’t like any of them.  So I’ve learned something.  Polyvore: it’s informative.

And Polyvoring can be pretty amusing.  As in, having proudly made the following set I rather disappointedly realized that it was basically what I wore to work that day (if I’d owned those exact pieces instead of pieces pretty much just like them).

Exactly like my work outfit… with the glaring exception of the $2500 Gucci purse.   Not so much wearing that to work today.  Or ever.  It costs more than my car.

Which maybe explains why I can’t find a purse I like.  You know you just can’t buy a purse for under $1800.

R.I.P.

 

It’s official.

The vintage look is dead.

 

In lieu of flowers, please send a charitable donation to a fashion victim of your choice.  Preferably, uh, me.  I like knit tops.  And whimsical shoes.  And red stuff.

Fashionist

Lately I've been suffering from Virtual Ennui. It's a terrible condition whereby the afflicted wanders aimlessly and fruitlessly around the interwebs looking for something to provide interest... something, anything... anything at all....

Now, I'm not what you'd call a big follower of fashion. I don't subscribe to any fashion magazines and I'm clearly not fashionable myself. But when you have Virtual Ennui, what can you do?  There's only one solution: Vogue.com. This is always good for a dose of Pretty Shoes For Everyone (If You Have $1200), a shot of Glamorous Famous People You've Never Heard Of and a very healthy serving of WTF Is She Wearing soup. They also have the weekly "10 Best Dressed" in which you get to vote for the Best Dressed. Vote, people. OMG is that not the best?

So I open up several pages of 10 Best Dressed and TLo, using her amazing Fashion Finding superpowers, instantly comes barreling in from the other side of the house like a Prada bloodhound on crack. (No really. She just knows.  She has Fashion Radar.  It's kinda creepy.)  Needless to say, when she discovered that you can VOTE (she's just as aware of how awesome this is as anyone), she of course had to pick her favorites.

And here's where it gets really scary. Every single one she picked was the overall favorite of the general readership.  Every.  Single.  Time.  She's 9 for 9 so far.

I can see where having a seven-year-old who's more fashionable than I am can only lead to Bad Things in the next decade.

I was going to say, "At least I have The Big One, who's unlikely to ever out-fashion me."  Except that this week is "Free Dress" week at school. She just flounced in wearing her black ruffle-miniskirt, black t-shirt, black knee-highs and black maryjanes, looking for all the world like a beatnik French schoolgirl, and announced "I am too wearing this. It's my fashion."

Help.

I Swear, Diet Sunkist Almost Came Out My Nose

You know how sometimes you’re just aimlessly surfin’ the webs and something strikes you?  I mean, not literally jumps out of the screen and smacks you in the face (that would be a little too “Poltergeist” for me), but makes you just sit up and LAUGH?

Case in point:

This photo came up in BBC News’ “A Day In Pictures” segment.

And I quote:

“There were 5,000 police officers on duty, with more than 900 along the wedding route.  Most were in uniform, but some were in plain clothes, mixing with the crowd.”

Plain clothes in London has gotten significantly weirder than I expected.

The New Phone Books Are Here!

The new phone books are here!

Or maybe not.

Yes folks, it’s that time of year again.  Spring Fashion Week. But have you seen the new Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week website? If you’re like me (and I know you are), you’ve been waiting breathlessly for days on end for 9:00 AM Thursday September 9, 2001.  The start of the First Show.  Because they’ll have pictures, lovely lovely pictures of everything that walks down the runway.  Right?

Wrong.

As of this moment they have the first two shows up.  And that’s it.

Aw, man. Work faster, evil minions of fashion.  FASTER!

 

Hmmph.

I. Am. In. Love.

You know how you’re trudging along through life, sad, disheartened, feeling like there’s just not anything to interest you anymore?  Yes.  It’s been a long sad haul through the ennui of the world that is fashion.

And then one ordinary day you’re trolling through MyShape.com looking for something, anything to pique your interest, like a teenaged boy desperately looking for free online p0rn….  The boredom.  The sameness.  The… crack-smokingness of it it all.   And then.

What is that???  O.M.G.  What is that??  Who is that?  Where did this come from???  And why hasn’t anyone told me about it?

Yes.  It’s True Love.

 

 

ANAC by Kimi.  She has HUNDREDS of these, people.   All out since only last November.  These are just the ones I liked the best.  Who is this woman?  I love her.

Remember how I love Anna Sui?  This mysterious Kimi is like…. an accessible Anna Sui.  A down-home Anna Sui.  An Anna Sui you can actually go on a date with, instead of just drooling over in a magazine.

Except.  (Oh yes, there’s always an “except”).  These tops are almost exclusively mesh.  It’s a large part of what makes them so lovely.  But.  How exactly do you wear these?  I’m assuming they’re meant to be layered or else worn by someone who has no need for (or interest in) undergarments.  But that doesn’t translate so well to everyday fashion for –ahem–  those of use with –ahem– a more zaftig look.

I think the fact that I have now found these tops on no less that fifteen websites and yet not a one shows them on anything but a dressform is… telling.

So now I’m stuck.  In love.  But nervous.

And yes, BS (BWOF) did have that mesh plus-sized top in the latest issue.  There is a notable lack of underclothing.

 

-sigh-

Love hurts. 

 

(edit: sheesh.  Ok you really CAN’T put the word “p-0-r-n” in your blog post.  Unless you want all sorts of crap comments and email.  Son of a—)

(re-edit: That picture is deceptive.  Actually she doesn’t have on anything underneath –that I can see– but the part that looks like a sleeve underneath is actually the shoulder seam.  If you look at the tech drawing, you’ll see that it has a dropped shoulder.  So yes, it’s all just her perky assets.)

I Do Not Watch The Oscars. This is why.

 

Zoe Saldana in Givenchy.

 

 

Turkey Dressing Skirt from Dana Made It.

 

I know which one I’d rather have, but you decide for yourself.  Go ahead.  You I-love-a-dress-that-looks-like-a-lavender-toilet-paper-cover-my-grandma-made-in-1962 freak.

 

(“So,” you say suspiciously. “You don’t watch the Oscars?  Then where did you get that photo of Zoe Saldana? HUH?”  To which I reply, “Ah. Quite easy.  I stole it from Angie A. at Quality Time.  So there.”)

Reader Mail… oh just sit through it already.

Well, color me surprised.  The crack-smokin' fashion ladies from MyShape.com very politely made a comment on my last post, in which I pointed out the horror that is Adrienne Vittadini and might have possibly, you know… just possibly, called the good MyShape.com people crackheads.  Yet they graciously ignored this slur on their characters and decorously acknowledged that they do indeed plan to add a thumbs-up/thumbs-down feature to their site.

Now I know the suspicious and pessimistic amongst you are probably saying to yourselves, "Oh sure.  Someone gives them a perfectly good idea for free and they immediately proceed to say 'Oh yes, we have all sorts of plans already in the works for just that very thing!'."  But alas, I have to give them credit and admit that if they were clever enough to think up their very clever website, they were probably clever enough to think up this little thumbs-up idea too.  It's amazing what crackheads can accomplish these days.

The fact that they obviously sit up late at night, 50th double-cappuccino in shaky hand, furiously scrabbling through the internet to find mention, any mention at all, of themselves… well.  Let’s be honest.  We’d do that too, right?  Oh you can shake your heads “no” at your screen people, but we all know what really happens at 2 a.m. when you suddenly feel a need to check your hits or google yourself.  You can’t hide from the truth.

Anyway, now we have something to look forward to.  Because honestly, while I'm not totally sure how Pandora.com's music-mapping thing works so as to allow them to almost always choose accurately for your musical tastes, it seems to me that this will be even more difficult to achieve using garments.  Will it be based on color, designer, style, fabric?  I think the answer will be quite interesting to find out, don't you?  Almost makes you wish you were a statistical programmer, right?

I said "almost".

Perhaps They Were Right After All…

Yesterday I had an entertaining conversation with Big In Japan, in which I questioned the addition of certain Facebook friends to her list.  My question was, “Is it mean, churlish, just plain b*tchy to ignore friend requests from people who I barely remember but who feel in some way compelled to add me to their friends list simply because we happened to graduate from the same high school in the same year?”  We decided that no, it wasn’t.  I mean, we are talking about people I barely remember the existence of.  I have also not set foot in the town of my graduation for at least 16 years.  So no. I am not going to add as a friend the person who, based on my admittedly very hazy recollection, had one thing to say to me in all four years of high school.  Which was to tell me I was a stuck-up b*itch.   So, no.  I’m not mean.  I’m just not interested.

Then I was sitting here sniffling and hacking up a lung (because someone at work brought in a vile illness last week and then generously gifted it to me) and trying to think of a new post topic and I wondered whether I am after all a bit of bee-atch. 

Because all I could think to say was:  “I hate Adrienne Vittadini.”

Which frankly is a teensy bit, well, unkind.  I mean, I don’t even know Adrienne Vittadini.  But I can honestly say I have hated her for years and years and years.  You know how I said I love Anna Sui?  I hate Adrienne Vittadini the way I love Anna Sui.  She is my anti-girlfriend (because no, Angie A., Anna Sui is not your fashion designer girlfriend).

Here is a classic example of the monstrosity that is the Adrienne Vittadini collection (as shown by MyShape.com).  Apparently the crack-smokin’ fashion ladies at MyShape think that I would like to put this garment on my body.  They are seriously mistaken.

You know what would be cool?  A thumbs up/thumbs down button at MyShape.com.  You know, how Pandora.com has that feature so that if they play you a song that you loathe, you can thumb-down it and they promise to never ever ever play that song again?  For a month?  That feature.  Wouldn’t that be cool?  Someone get a hold of the crack-smokin’ fashion ladies and let them know.  I won’t even take credit for it.

On a more positive note, the crack-smokin’ fashion ladies also recommended this Jessica Howard dress (despite my own shape being the only letter not attached to it) and if I could get into it I would totally put this on my body.  So there’s some hope for them after all.

See.  I’m not so bad.  No.  Really.  I’m not.

 

Poodle. Not just for dogs.

Once in Portland, Oregon I saw a sign that said, “Poodled Trees – Sale Today!”

 

Apparently this season we are treated to the skirt equivalent.

Those are just the ones I’ve found so far.  I have yet to slog my way through all the shows online.  I’m thinking that this summer will be The Summer of Poodled Skirts for the kids.  I like to torture them like that.

More Crack Smokin’ Fashion Madness

So I don’t normally feel compelled to comment about Burda Style. It’s a goofy magazine at the best of times, with an oddly eclectic assortment of fashion “points of view” as they say (ad nauseum) on Project Runway. I mean, this makes sense: it comes out once a month and it has an average of 25 patterns in it. That’s a lot of magazine to fill and a lot of patterns to design. And let’s be honest, there are only so many things that can be reasonably done with a jacket. I expect to not love every issue. Some things are going to be more appealing to me than others. Fair enough. And then yesterday the December 2009 issue showed up in my mailbox.

All I can think is that the good people at Burda have finally succumbed completely to what used to be an occasional crack habit and they are now living in a box under the bridge and shouting incoherently at people who walk by.

First, there’s the “Party” section. Fine. Clearly they’re aiming for the young 20’s market. But really, is this something that’s appropriate for any party that isn’t one where you’re working as the “entertainment”?

And then, there’s this.

But wait, here’s what the text said: "Our extravagant brocade evening blouse with big, shoulder-puff sleeves is particularly flattering on tall women."

This actually left me speechless for several seconds.

They think a tall woman would be better off in this thing? Right. Because that’s what all the tall women I know want, to look like a linebacker.

After that rather breathtaking weirdness, I decided to just skip ahead to the “plus”-sized section. Compared to the rest of the magazine, they usually have pretty dull offerings in this section so I figured, “How bad can it be?”

“Hey Sailor, want some company?”

Seriously? And it just goes on from there. I mean, really: this month they have four different styles of capes. Capes, for crying out loud!

I just can’t get behind this issue. Maybe next month’s will be more inspiring.

edited to add: I saw this review by ALY at PatternReview and while I still can't really get behind the linebacker garment (or this entire issue, for that matter) I will say that she did a really spectacular job sewing this up and it looks pretty good on her. So you go, ALY! (And she's tall, too, so there you go what do I know?)

Short Fat Woman from Texas Proves Existance of Parallel Universe

There is no other explanation for the good ladies at MyShape.com thinking that this item would fit me.



And yet that is exactly what they claim, as attested to by the big giant banner that runs across my "shop" which declares "Everything in your Personal Shop™ fits you."

Alternate universe? Or serious crack problem? These are the only explainations that would allow anyone to believe I am able to fit into a pair of DKNY jeans. Trust me.

Oh, those crack-smokin' fashion ladies. They are so entertaining. When I win my Nobel Prize for proving the most important theory in quantum physics (... EVER!) I'll be happy to share the credit with them. I can wear this dress to the reception. The crack-smokin' fashion ladies think it fits me.