It’s Not A SWAP. It’s a SWHAP.*

So I finally got around to making one of the items on my Fall SWAP.  This week.  The last week of February.  In which it's been, on average, 76 degrees during the day.  (Tomorrow is supposed to be 86.)  So that's been super-useful, wardrobe-wise.

Here's my inspiration garment:

Here's what I made:

Um.  It looks better in person.  Honest. 

It's a little hard to see because of the bad photo.  And the black fabric.  Which, by the way, I salvaged from a CP Shades tent-dress that I bought circa 1993.  Yes.  I am that thrifty.  And when I say “tent” dress, I mean, “Three people and a small dog could sleep in it.  Comfortably.”  There was some sense in saving the dress.  Once upon a time it was a really nice rayon brocade fabric and as mentioned above there was a lot of it.  In truth, it’s a little too worn and pilly to really be very nice now.  However it made the perfect wearable muslin.  Since it made... a muslin.  And I'm wearing it.  HA! 

(insert smug in-your-face happy dance here)

So to make the above garment I decided, against my deepest inclinations and sense of morality, to purchase a pattern for a pillowcase dress.  Yes.  That's right.  I purchased a pattern for a pillowcase dress.  With money.  Real money.  American.  Dollars.  Moooooooneeeeee.

I feel... dirty.

But, I just couldn't be bothered to draft my own pattern from scratch.  And if truth be told, I only paid $1.99 for it.   Which is about the limit of what it’s worth, I might add.

As it turned out this pattern was a good basis for my further design modifications, which mostly was to change out the simplified (and rather unflattering) gathering on the front yoke to nice, deep, stitched pleats and to make facings for the casings instead of foldovers.  I think both features add character to the inspiration garment.

Clear as mud?   Here’s the actual muslin muslin which shows the pleats a little better.

You can see where I added 1.5” for my usual FBA at the center front and then just spaced the pleats evenly to make up the distance of the original gathered pattern.

All around, I like this top.  Of course, I can only wear it in the winter because frankly, ain't no way in hell I'm wearing a sleeveless top without something else underneath it.  Seriously.  People do not need to be subjected to my upper arms.  I'm pretty sure there's something in the Geneva Convention specifically about that.

However, as it's supposed to only be 70 as the high next week, I think I'll make another version using the color-blocking idea from this inspiration set… er… that I made... er... last summer.

Some day I’ll actually sew a garment the season before it’s supposed to be worn.  Some magical day.

 

*Sewing With Half A Plan.

This Is Not The Handbag You Are Looking For…

Because it’s MINE.

Mine mine mine mine mine mine.

I rock.

Knock, Knock, Knock-off, Moth… er… You Know The Rest.

I have Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken stuck in my head today.

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So check this out: “Beyoncé” is in Microsoft’s Spell Check.

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The mind boggles.

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I’m trying to think up other famous people with made-up unusual names so I can Spell Check them too.

Um…. Condoleeza Rice was the only one I could think of.  She’s in there. 

That is awesome!  Yep.  I think you’ve really made it when you can be generically Spell Checked.  (I can’t.  My life sucks.)

 

Anyway to continue with our story:  I was going to knock off this top from Modcloth.  Honest.

I figured I could use my custom-drafted knit top pattern with the smocked neckline, keep the neckline unsmocked, cut a binding the full length of the unsmocked neckline, make a nice little twisted-binding, run a pretty ribbon or tie through it and gather it up to the desired neckline length.  Easy-peasy.

And I could have done that, of course.  But I didn't.

Because I forgot that I was going to do that and I went ahead and gathered the neckline and then cut the binding strip to the finished length.  At which point I was highly tired of the whole thing and just wanted to get it over with already, so I just went with what I had.  I finished the neckline, tacked a silk tie to the front and called it skippy.

Hence, my version isn't quite so fun as the original.  And also not sleeveless.  Um.  If you didn’t notice.

On the other hand, it has a silk bow on the front.  That can't be a bad thing.  The bow looks better in person.  Trust me.

Of course, the first day I wore it to work my co-worker's immediate response was, "Oh that's cute.  And you can always change out that bow for a black one!"

Which I took to mean, "That top should have a black bow."

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However, today the garment-and-shoe combination seen above elicited (from the same coworker) a heartfelt, "Well look at that nifty outfit you have going on there!" and a ten minute conversation about where I got the jeans, so... meh.  What can you do?  I guess it's working.

I'm going with that.

Rhymes with “Melusional”

This is the first page of my Pinterest “Clothes” board.  (I called it Clothes Pin 1… get it?  Clothes pin?  Comic genius, people.)

I just randomly pin these things over months, so there’s not really any rhyme or reason to it.   But this page looks pretty nice, right? Like, you’d think the person who pinned this stuff was pretty stylish, right?

 

Yeah.  This was last month at the Taco Fiesta Birthday Party:

You heard me. Taco Fiesta Birthday Party. It’s a thing.

 

There’s a name for that disorder where what you see in your head is totally different from what actually happens in reality, right? 

I don’t want to know what it is.  I’m just sayin’, there’s a name.

I. Am. In. Love.

You know how you’re trudging along through life, sad, disheartened, feeling like there’s just not anything to interest you anymore?  Yes.  It’s been a long sad haul through the ennui of the world that is fashion.

And then one ordinary day you’re trolling through MyShape.com looking for something, anything to pique your interest, like a teenaged boy desperately looking for free online p0rn….  The boredom.  The sameness.  The… crack-smokingness of it it all.   And then.

What is that???  O.M.G.  What is that??  Who is that?  Where did this come from???  And why hasn’t anyone told me about it?

Yes.  It’s True Love.

 

 

ANAC by Kimi.  She has HUNDREDS of these, people.   All out since only last November.  These are just the ones I liked the best.  Who is this woman?  I love her.

Remember how I love Anna Sui?  This mysterious Kimi is like…. an accessible Anna Sui.  A down-home Anna Sui.  An Anna Sui you can actually go on a date with, instead of just drooling over in a magazine.

Except.  (Oh yes, there’s always an “except”).  These tops are almost exclusively mesh.  It’s a large part of what makes them so lovely.  But.  How exactly do you wear these?  I’m assuming they’re meant to be layered or else worn by someone who has no need for (or interest in) undergarments.  But that doesn’t translate so well to everyday fashion for –ahem–  those of use with –ahem– a more zaftig look.

I think the fact that I have now found these tops on no less that fifteen websites and yet not a one shows them on anything but a dressform is… telling.

So now I’m stuck.  In love.  But nervous.

And yes, BS (BWOF) did have that mesh plus-sized top in the latest issue.  There is a notable lack of underclothing.

 

-sigh-

Love hurts. 

 

(edit: sheesh.  Ok you really CAN’T put the word “p-0-r-n” in your blog post.  Unless you want all sorts of crap comments and email.  Son of a—)

(re-edit: That picture is deceptive.  Actually she doesn’t have on anything underneath –that I can see– but the part that looks like a sleeve underneath is actually the shoulder seam.  If you look at the tech drawing, you’ll see that it has a dropped shoulder.  So yes, it’s all just her perky assets.)

polyvorous. how… predictable.

Yes.  I just spent about four hundred hours messing around with Polyvore.  Yes.  It is a totally clichéd, been-there-done-that thing to do.  Yes.  I have a migraine and this was the only thing I could focus my brain on.  Yes.  I have potentially melted what’s left of my brain on fashion-and-collage pronography.

Ask me if I care.  I dare you.  Don’t mess with Migraine Girl, people.

On the plus side of this wasted twenty-four hours, I found a line of knit tops I’d never seen before which have totally inspired me. 

neutrality by Beangirl

 

When it comes to fabric and clothes, we all know there’s always room for inspiration. 

Or at least, that’s my story.   And I’m sticking to it.

Call Me Quasibeangirl

I've completely given up trying to get a photo of myself with decent hair.  It's apparently just not possible.  Um.  I guess it would help if I quit taking pictures of myself with wet hair.  But at 6:30 in the morning, time is limited and you have to grab two minutes with the camera when you can.  

Bonus: I also look like a deranged serial killer.  (Now you know why most of my pictures don’t have heads, Angie A.)

These are photos of my second attempt at version 2 of my Perfect T-Shirt Pattern (the one with darts-converted-to-smocking).   It was pretty clear from the outset of my first attempt that the fabric was going to be difficult.  The results proved that. 

For the second attempt I decided to try sturdier fabric, so I used a very pretty cobalt blue ITY that I found on sale at Hancock's.

This was helpful in terms of fit and drape.  Unfortunately, this fabric is nigh on impossible to hem without a coverstitch machine, which I couldn't be bothered to set up.  Mostly because I didn't have matching thread.  So I didn't have anything to set it up with.  Hence, I hemmed it with my sewing machine.  Rather disastrously, as it turns out.  Clearly I'm going to have to pick out that hem and do something else with it.

That photo also points out the major flaw with my Perfect T-Shirt Pattern: namely that because I am a hunchback (i.e. I have to do a rounded back and rounded upper back adjustment) I ended up with my usual extra 1" at the neckline.  Normally in a woven I would either take a smart dart under the collar or do a center back seam.  Neither of which is so great for a t-shirt.  I was hoping I could ease the extra into the neck binding, but as you can see it didn't work.  I'm going to have to rethink my plans for this.

Otherwise, this top drapes much better than the other one which is all the result of fabric... since they're otherwise identical. 

 

I'm willing to keep working on it, at any rate.

 

I still hate hair.  I think baldness is highly underrated.

Even Genius Takes a Holiday Every Once In A While

You know how sometimes you think "Damn!  I look good!"?  And then some evil person shows you a picture of yourself?  And you realize that you are hopelessly delusional?  I just did that to myself.

I was hoping this second draft of my Perfect T-Shirt Pattern would come out, well, perfectly.  And when I put it on, it certainly felt perfect.  Silky-soft cotton jersey? Check.  My bestest color, hot pink? Check. Low-but-not-too-low neckline? Check.  Perfect fit? Che-- uh.  Well...

Not so perfect.  This shirt is the perfect example of how choice of fabric really does make a drastic difference in overall fit.  I was hoping that this fabric wouldn't be as clingy and unflattering as I suspected it would be.  My hopes were, alas, dashed to the ground like so many shattering crystal vases flung from the hands of distraught and frustrated housewives.

Sorry.  I've been ready trashy romance novels this week.

Anyway, here is the second version of my Perfect T-Shirt Pattern.  I decided to rotate the dart up into the neckline and then convert the dart to smocked gathers. (I have a BWOF top- that I have literally worn to pieces- that has this same treatment, so I foresee making this version in about twenty different fabrics.)

For those of you playing along at home who aren't so up on your drafting techniques, here's how you do the dart-to-smocking conversion (I totally made this up myself, so if it doesn't work for you I take absolutely no responsibility for it):

1) rotate the dart up to the neckline (see various sewing books on how to rotate a dart)

2) measure the total width of the dart at the widest point (distance x)

3) multiply distance x times the amount needed to make up the difference in width when gathered (I didn't do a test strip on this, I just guessed that the gathering would need to be about two times the width of the dart... this ended up being slightly too little gathering, so I'm going to try 2.5 times on the next one).  This is distance y.

4) measure distance y from the center front and draw a vertical line parallel to the center front

5) draw a horizontal line (perpendicular to the center front) down from the neckline equal to about 2/3 to 3/4 of the length of the dart

6) draw in your stitch lines for the smocking/gathering (I chose to do five lines of smocking)

 

Here's the end result (warning! giant boob picture ahead):

Everything else in the pattern is the same as my first version. 

And here it is, in all it's unflattering, clingy glory.   Absolutely enhanced by my half-wet hair, of course.  And the fact that I should have pulled the top down at least an inch in the front  before I took the pictures.

 

Ack.

Why the hell my husband let me walk out of the house like this, I have no idea.  The only explanation is that my husband's version of a "good look" for me is exclusively one that he can see down the front of.  And hence he probably thought this top was... perfect.

I See London, I See France

OK, so I just have to say that this whole next conversation (I like to call these little monologues "conversations") will be about underwear.  So if you're not interested in hearing about some stranger's underwear, probably you can just click over to Facebook now or something.

Actually, I don't really have that much to say about underwear.  It's just that I'm having a terrible time with finding a decent bra.  This is partly my fault for being a real cheap-ass when it comes to undergarments, partly because I hate visiting the bra-fitting ladies in the department store and partly because I wear a very awkward size.  I mean, apparently it's awkward for bra manufacturers.  I don't personally find it awkward but I guess I'm out of the Bra Size loop.  Seriously, I do not see why these places assume that someone who wears a 36 band is unlikely to wear a DD cup.  But apparently this is just beyond the realm.  It's not like I am unusually large either. People who see me don't generally shout, "Wow!  Big boobs!"  So what is up with that? 

Every six months or so I toy with the idea of starting to make my own bras (ex. see amazing bra-producing skills ala Heather).  But this seems like something that is really, really hard to do.  Or rather really, really hard to do well.  I fear that once I learn all the ins and outs of the actual construction process (which are mostly new to me and I suspect not really within my purview), spend money purchasing fabrics and fittings I don’t already own and generally wasting great volumes of time and effort, I will end up with a bra that fits no better or possibly even worse than poorly-fitting bras I could have purchased for $20 at Walmart.

Still, $90 for a single bra is a bit... prohibitive.  I have no money these days and spending $250 on two or three underthings is a bit of extravagance that I can't seem to justify (of course, many would say it's not an extravagance at all but rather an necessity, but I can't quite see it that way).

So here's my Grand Bra Plan: 

Step One - I am going to Dallas in the next month with the specific purpose of having a bra fitting at Nordstrom's (we don't have a Nordstrom's here so I will have to haul my sorry butt down to Dallas... whilst making a superhuman-effort to avoid Golden D'Or, which is tough since I normally only go to Dallas with the singular goal of doctor appointments for TLo, whose presence gives me the perfect excuse to not go fabric shopping).

Step Two - I will purchase at least one of the bras that the bra-fitting ladies recommend, provided I like the results and regardless of the cost (barring a $400 price ticket or something).

Step Three - I will wear said bra a few times to see if I really like it.

Step Four - I will see if I can copy said bra and reproduce it myself.

Step four made you laugh, didn't it?  Me too.

In Which I Have An Epiphany. Yes. About Skirts.

So.  I may have mentioned that I was going to make a pencil skirt this past weekend.  But in thinking about it I'm not sure I really meant a pencil skirt, in that I had no intention of having said skirt stop at my knee.  I have fat knees and fat calves and they are not things I like to parade about in the open.  I have much better features that could be exposed and I'd prefer to parade those.  Well.  Maybe.  Whatever.  No knees.

To me, when someone says "pencil skirt" I immediately think of this:

or maybe this:

rather than this (which is, of course, what most people think of… what with it being a pencil skirt and all):

So while I did work on a skirt last weekend and it was straight, I'm not sure it totally qualifies as "pencil". Whatever.

 

Here's the really interesting (to me, and that's all that counts) part: I finally took the advice given by others for the past five years and managed to scrounge up a garment that fits me the way I want it to, so as to take a flat measurement.  Then I compared this to my (supposed) body measurements and then compared those to the pattern sizes on the envelope. 

Scatterin’ Skirts, Batman!  I had to cut two full sizes smaller.  And then add 1.75" back into the back panel (I need some loose for my caboose).  That still made the pattern quite a bit smaller than the size I supposedly “need”.   In any case, by virtue of these calculations I have created... the perfect skirt.  O. M. G.   Yes.  Oh.  Em.  To the flippin' Gee.  The only other alteration I made was to take off 4" from the length throughout the body of the skirt, which is a standard alteration I have to make on everything.   Because I am only 5 feet tall.   Which sucks.  But that's another story. 

Why didn't I ever listen?  This was the easiest alteration I have ever made to a pattern.  Seriously, this has been a revelation to me. It was like I was wandering around with my eyes shut and suddenly someone said, "Hey you.  The dummy with your eyes shut.  Yeah, you.  Did you know you can open those things?"  And Lo!  I can see!  You have no idea how much more rewarding sewing this skirt has been knowing that I didn't spend a million hours and/or thought-processes trying to work out how to make it fit.  Plus when it was done... it fit!

So I suppose you want to see this Miracle Skirt, right?  Hmmph.  Well, now I'm a little anxious about posting it, because of course it's miraculous to me but to everyone else it's just a boring old straight skirt.  Do I care?  NO!  Ha.  So here is the "wearable muslin" that I made, which I might actually just wear.  Gasp.  I know.  Unbelievable. 

OK, fine.  Maybe it doesn't fit perfectly.  I didn’t adjust the back to add an inch to the length (another standard adjustment that I obviously still need as you will see below).    I also have a wrinkle over my left hip (reversed in the mirror in the picture above) that I’m pretty sure is a sewing issue and not a fitting issue, but I’m not totally sure.  Still, it sure as heck fits better than anything else I've made to date and we won't even go there on comparing it to RTW.  At least I now have a good pattern to take measurements from and make comparisons for future garments.  That’s something of a personal coup.

  Please ignore:

a) the really bad lighting

b) that this isn’t hemmed yet and so is at least an inch longer than expected and

c) the fact that I have my very long shirt tucked into the waist, which I wouldn’t normally do.

It is for educational purposes only.

Probably it's a bad sign that this is one of the better-fitting and nicer things I own, right?  But next week: A Real Skirt Made With Real Fabric.   Amazing.

(edit: I should have mentioned that I made this muslin in what is rapidly becoming The Fabric Of Our Lives, that same free denim that I used for TLo’s Terrible Jeans.  It’s hard to see in pictures, but this fabric really is ugly. I purchased 12 yards of it to make comforter covers for the girls’ beds.  It perfectly matches their denim curtains from Walmart and it’s great fabric for comforter covers.  It is not, however, great fabric for clothing.  The reason I say it’s free is that while I purchased 12 yards, I somehow ended up with 24 and I could not get the salespeople to deal with taking it back.  I did try.  Really.  Extensively.  I do not believe in the Well-They-Made-The-Mistake-And-Gave-It-To-Me-So-If-I-Keep-It-Then-That’s-Not-Stealing theory of life.  But since they refused to take it back, I finally figured I could use it for muslins.  And that’s what I’m doing.)

Fashionable

Ok.  I am not much of a fashion follower.  Fashion Week is not, in fact, the core of my existence.  Yes, I know.  Shocker.  "Why in the world would a five-foot-tall woman who weighs roughly four times as much as the average fashion model (roughly) not be interested in runway fashion?"   Right.

However, I do like to meander through the runway slideshows now and again.  This year seems, as many others have noted, to be fraught with a dismalness that fairly takes the breath away.  Not only are the colors, or complete lack thereof, numbing but the shapes are... well, one can only say "Blah.  Unflattering.  Somewhat tedious."  Hmm.  I should be a fashion writer. I can so bring the world-weary seen-it-all-and-yours-sucks attitude.

In any case, although several of my favorite designers have yet to show and so I can't comment fully on the spectacle that is Spring Fashion, I will say that I have so far found only one item that I, the short fat non-fashion person as mentioned above, would be remotely interested in actually trying to wear.  And here it is. 

 

Some sort of drapey shrug/wrap thing from Loin Cloth and Ashes as seen at the ARISE MAGAZINE AFRICAN COLLECTIVE - PART III. 

Is intriguing, no?  Now, the fact that I see this as an item that I would consider putting on my body (as opposed to possibly framing on my wall) probably means that it's not really so interesting and perhaps even Bad Fashion.  I like it anyway.

Here's my interpretation of what it might look like based on the two images I've seen so far. 

I think this is totally possible to make.  Don't you?  Of course you do, you're drafting the pattern right now, right?

Please send it to me when you've finished.

(edit: yes I know, it’s FALL fashion.  I was looking at Easter dresses while I was typing this post.  Too confusing.)

Have You Seen This Dress? Call 1-800-LOSTDRESS

I am still working on the muslin of my so-called pencil skirt.  I'm pretty super-excited about it actually, so I'm going to post it up as soon as I get it sewn into a more completed stage.  I may actually have created that rare and elusive creature, The Wearable Muslin.  I know, I know.  "It's just a myth!" you mock.  "A hazy fantasy dreamt up by an exhausted woman who just can't quite admit that she has wasted ten hours of her precious time."  But I say, "NO!  It's real, I tell you.  Real!"  Well.  Maybe.

In the meantime, I have become obsessed with something else.  "No, really?  Not you," some of you say sarcastically.  "Really," I reply, completely ignoring your snarky tone (you know who you are).  

If you would turn to your right, Gentle Readers, you will see the never-ending slideshow that is my Wardrobe Inspiration.  In it is this dress.   (I have no idea who made this dress because I picked it out from MyShape.com four months ago and they don’t seem to have it anymore.  And I can’t be bothered to investigate further.)

I love this dress.  Yes, I do.  Love it. I have no idea why I love it so much, but I'm telling you now: it will be mine.

And can I find a pattern to make it?  No.  I can not.

Now, I know perfectly well that I can make this dress (or rather the top I intend to turn it into) from any number of other patterns.  I certainly own several that would work.  This one, for instance. 

 

And this one. 

 

Or even this one, remember this? 

But they're not EXACTLY the same, are they?  No.  They are not.  If it's got a pleated front, it has no neckline piece.  If it's got a gathered front that I could convert into pleats, the sleeves are also gathered which I don't want.  If I use my coat pattern, I have to alter the yoke and remove the placket.  Plus, I've then made a shirt out of... my coat.

Yes, I can alter and redraft all of these things.  But I don't want to.

So, anyone have any knowledge of a pattern that looks like this?  Exactly this?

Huh?  Huh?  Do ya?

 

I am so totally going to have to draft something myself, right?  Hmmph.